


back to you

by flxwershxp



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Apocalypse, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, I’ll add more as I go - Freeform, M/M, Making Out, Nightmares, Post-Apocalypse, Sequel, Trauma, i guess??, jihoon is supportive, maybe?? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:01:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29359173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flxwershxp/pseuds/flxwershxp
Summary: [sequel to keep your enemies close]i’m trying to come up with a summary that won’t spoil the first work lol
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	1. i’ll look after you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the sequel to keep your enemies close, so i would recommend reading that one first in order to not spoil it!!

_he ran. that's all he could do. all his mind told him to do was run as fast as he could. run until he couldn't anymore, run, run, run._

_run away from everything, run for his safety, from his problems. run so he wouldn't get hurt anymore than he had been. his chest was burning, felt like it was on fire and there was nothing to keep the flames from spreading to the rest of his body. he just felt like he was burning from the inside out._

_he felt like he was on fire, he was boiling, sweating, running as fast as he could. he was so tired, felt himself almost tripping over his own feet, felt the itch in his throat to cough and maybe stop running to empty the contents of his stomach. the dryness indicating how tired he was, needing to drink but not taking the initiative to care for his slowly increasing dehydration._

_he knew he couldn't stop, he couldn't risk that. maybe he wanted to risk it but he knew that he was almost there. he could feel that he was almost where he needed to be. the place he was told to go._

_his stomach growled, begging for food, begging for him to just stop for a minute and rest. he was deteriorating with each frantic step, heavy against the woodland floor, sticks snapping under him that would likely cause some traction, but his mind was everywhere but the current problem. he was running on shaky legs, they were near jelly and anyone would be surprised to how he hadn't passed out yet, but he kept running._

_the night sky did nothing to help him. it only made this that much more dangerous, he was running to his death and growls in the silence overpowered his heavy pants. he should've been a goner, the way he carelessly ran around trees and stumps, the way he made so much noise._

_the only hydration he had was from the salty tears running down his face, his whole being shattered into a million pieces and it was trailing with every step._

_they'd be able to find him if they followed the trail of brokenness that he left behind, the hurt and the pain. they'd find him within a few hours. he kept running until he collided with something, not caring about the pain that shot through him as he went full force into the metal, his hands scrambling for purchase on anything just to keep himself on his feet._

_his heart was pounding loudly in his chest, he could almost see it ripping out because it had no space to beat properly. his breathing was heavy, his voice high pitched to try and catch his breath that he thought he'd lose in any second, trying to fill his lungs with the sweet air he craved._

_he sighed, dizziness making his vision blurry and the contents of his stomach pouring out beside him, burning his throat and making tears pour down his cheeks, and with that he fell. he couldn't run anymore, he couldn't even stand anymore, he felt like he couldn't even breathe anymore. he just couldn't do anything anymore._

_that's when he saw it. the car. the ambulance. the hospital. him. he saw it all. he saw the outcomes, if he didn't do what was right. it was hard to believe, he didn't want to believe it, but it was all true. it felt too real to be fake. it wasn't really him but he had to help. he couldn't run anymore, not from this, the inevitable truth._

_kwon soonyoung wasn't who he thought he was. he was someone so familiar yet so different. like a stranger you think you recognise. but he wasn't the soonyoung he remembered, before this had happened to their world. it made sense now he thought about it in his dream like state. soonyoung was someone completely different._

_he had to figure out a way to make him weak, so weak that he'd remember that he wasn't in the right place and he had to go back home to the person waiting for him. so weak that he wouldn't care about leaving the world he was unforgivably trapped in. he was doing this out of love, because seeing someone happy by sacrificing your own is one of the purest forms of love. although soonyoung wasn't the one he grew up with, he was one he had grown quite fond of._

_he was weak already, he could feel it, it was pulsing through his veins, telling him he was weak, like they somehow connected and he could feel every little emotion that soonyoung felt. that he was doing all he could to bring them back together, to keep them together, that he actually cared about him._

_now he didn't know how he saw the truth, if he was just going completely insane but it felt too real, made him numb the whole time. it was too real not to be made up._

_that's when he awoke, in a place he was unfamiliar with but one that seemed better than what he had considered home. he was also unfamiliar with the person in the room with him, staying quiet, staring but unmoving. "i'm not going to hurt you." he couldn't hear him properly but he caught onto the question. "what's your name?"_

_"jihoon."_

—

"you know i always wondered when we'd be able to do this again." jihoon smiled, looking towards soonyoung who was sat beside him. "you've never scared me so much in my entire life."

"i'm sorry." soonyoung gave an apologetic smile. jihoon waved it off. it wasn't his fault in the slightest that what happened did. it was just great that soonyoung was miraculously okay and here with him.

"i like it here." jihoon breathed in, sighing with a grin on his face. "it's calming. what kept you calm, soonyoung?"

"not much." he admitted. "i was always on the offence, always checking every which way all the time. there was never really a moment of calm."

it was night time, they were at their little hideout that jihoon had found during soonyoung's time in the hospital. he had brought soonyoung there thatnight to show him. it was a magical place, almost not real, but they sat there in the middle of the field on a blanket that jihoon kept in a hidden box there. they looked up through the trees at the moon as they chatted. 

a wave of calmness washed over soonyoung as he led on his back. the ocean of calm sent shivers up his spine, tingles throughout his entire body. jihoon hummed quietly beside him.

"why aren't you laying down?" soonyoung questioned, hand inching ever so close to jihoon's own. 

"soonyoung, do you have something that instantly calms you?" jihoon asked, quite randomly. "besides here." he added.

"dance." he smiled, voice almost like a whisper. it just felt wrong to speak any louder in their special calming place. "i like to dance. what about you? is yours singing? we got into many arguments over it. i sometimes feel bad for arguing with you over something so special to you."

"mine's looking at the stars." jihoon proceeded to lay down besides soonyoung, hands slowly intertwining with each other. "i sometimes came here and looked at the stars because it was something that reminded me of you, like you were still here. i don't know where you exactly went, soonyoung, but there was one star that would shine brighter than the others, the same star, same one every night... i'm starting to think that maybe you were there."

"it seems impossible, jihoon." soonyoung continued to look towards the stars, drawing shapes with an invisible line. he didn't notice any brightly shining stars, and jihoon must've read his mind.

"this place doesn't seem like it should be real, does it? it seems like something you'd see in a fantasy movie, but here we are. anything's possible, soonyoung. i mentioned it because that star i always saw, it's not there anymore."

"don't stars naturally move?" he chuckled.

"that star never moved." jihoon finally looked towards him and he had teary eyes. soonyoung thought he was effortlessly beautiful under the moonlight and fireflies. "now it's gone and you're here. you remind me so much of that star, always the brightest in my eyes."

"if i'm the brightest then you're the strongest." soonyoung gave a fond smile towards jihoon who squeezed their hands for comfort. "how did you cope, jihoon?"

"i came here sometimes." jihoon whispered, probably to hold back tears and soonyoung didn't try and get him to talk any louder. "as long as that star was still shining i knew you were still with me."

"i love you, jihoon." soonyoung sat up, pulling jihoon up along with him. he made jihoon look towards him by hooking a finger under his chin. jihoon's eyes were twinkling with unshed tears that he was trying not let out. he willed himself not to cry in front of soonyoung. "you're so strong and i love you for that."

"you're stronger, soonyoung. you woke up and came back to me, you're way stronger than me and i love you the most for doing that. i thought i'd lost you forever but you found a way home to me." 

soonyoung was the one to claim jihoon's lips, slotting them together like puzzle pieces. jihoon stiffened at first when he felt the unexpected contact against his lips but he soon melted into it, humming under the trees and the fireflies. soonyoung's hands moved to both sides of jihoon's face, deepening the kiss by poking his tongue out to lick across jihoon's lower lip, lowering one hand to the small of jihoon's back to pull him even closer. he didn't want to stay less than a second away from the younger. 

they didn't even pull away, not even if their lungs were begging them for some air to breathe. they just used the little gasps they both let out in between kisses as a momentary chance to grab some air for their lungs just to dive right in again. jihoon eventually pulled away, not being able to ignore the reoccurring burn in his chest from lack of air. he was panting heavily, arms making their way to wrap around soonyoung's neck, his eyes teary and his lips swollen. soonyoung thought he looked absolutely beautiful in that moment. 

"i love you." soonyoung whispered as jihoon rested their foreheads against each other, their noses brushing against each other as they both went in for a kiss but always pulled back just to tease. jihoon manoeuvred them, pushing on soonyoung's shoulder so he would lay down, jihoon straddling him afterwards. 

"i love you too." jihoon smiled, leaning down and slotting their lips together, soonyoung hands resting on his waist and it was a touch that jihoon could get used to again. he slowly trailed kisses from soonyoung's lips, to his jaw and to his neck, nipping a few times until soonyoung was hissing, holding jihoon's hips flush against him. 

he felt something change in jihoon's whole mood then, he just stopped. he went quiet and he wasn't kissing soonyoung's neck anymore or slowly moving his hips to let soonyoung know he wanted more, he just completely stopped. 

soonyoung all of a sudden felt a bite on his neck, and he'd never known a bite to hurt so much in this context, his neck felt wet and he assumed that jihoon had just accidentally bit too hard as he started crying but to his shock and horror it wasn't what he thought in the slightest. 

he pulled jihoon's head away from him and he was met with a sight he never thought he'd see again. jihoon was reaching for him, teeth knashing and his eyes completely white but bloodshot. he was a zombie and the wetness on soonyoung's neck was not his tears, but blood and now he realised why it had hurt so much, now it hurt so much more. 

soonyoung yelled as he tried to push jihoon away. his reflexes had started on their own accord, catching jihoon's arms as he tried to make a grab for him, and he was strong so soonyoung didn't know how much longer he could keep this up. he didn't have a weapon with him so he just had to try and fend him off. 

"jihoon, stop!" he yelled, pushing on his arms but jihoon gripped onto him, scratching along his arms which was starting to leave deep marks making his arms ache. he was getting weaker as he yelled, his voice turning hoarse and he was slowly losing his grip. all he could do was yell as jihoon snapped at him, begging with growls for another bite out of him—

\--

"soonyoung!" jihoon yelled, shaking on the others shoulders frantically and harshly, fear showing in his wide eyes as he tried to wake the other up. "soonyoung! wake up!"

"jihoon, stop it. no, get off!" soonyoung screamed. "jihoon, it's me!" 

jihoon was afraid, shaking but he tried to bring soonyoung back to reality. he was alone at home with the other since he was allowed to leave the hospital. the doctor had warned him about the nightmares that soonyoung would have and that he should try everything he could to wake him up. his parents were both working late shifts and that meant working during the early hours of the morning, so he was alone to try and wake soonyoung up. 

he held soonyoung's face in his hands, soothing a thumb over his left cheek, wiping away the tears rolling down his cheeks. "wake up, please. it's me, soonyoung." he whispered. "please wake up. you're scaring me." he felt the others breaths starting to even out and he sighed in relief, finally over. "that's it. it's okay. you're safe and okay. i promise you're okay."

"jihoon." soonyoung's voice came out, weak and small, cracking from the crying. "jihoon."

"it's okay, just a bad dream." he looked into soonyoung's eyes and when he saw the tears properly then, he pulled the other into his embrace, warm and comforting and something that had been happening way too often, but not something he blamed soonyoung for or got annoyed at him about. he couldn't help it and it must be petrifying, so all jihoon could do was reassure him that he was there with him and he wasn't alone. 

"i'm sorry." he sniffled. "i'm sorry if i woke you up, jihoon."

"don't apologise." jihoon shushed him, laying back own with soonyoung's head on his chest, running his hand lightly through soonyoung's hair, letting him wet the material of the shirt he was wearing with his tears as he wiped them away. "it's not your fault, don't ever blame yourself, okay." soonyoung nodded. "do you want to talk about it? you can tell me anything, i'll listen to you. you don't have to be afraid to tell me."

"you tried to hurt me, jihoon." he whispered, trying to hold back the tears that had started to cease. "you were a zombie and i couldn't stop it, i couldn't do anything to stop it from happening or to save you. it was too late to help you, i let you turn, jihoon. i didn't help."

"hey, it's okay, i'm okay i promise." he almost cradled soonyoung in his arms, but jihoon needed him to know one thing. "i'm okay. no zombies are going to hurt me or you, okay. they don't exist here, you're safe. you don't have to worry. soonyoung, i want you to know that i would never do anything to hurt you, ever. i would never dream of it. you are safe with me and i promise that i will look after you." 

"did you lock the doors? the windows?" soonyoung quickly questioned, his head lifting from jihoon's chest to scan the bedroom they were in. jihoon nodded even standing up from the bed, showing the older that the bedroom door was locked and so were the bedroom windows behind the closed curtains. soonyoung sighed, moving so that when jihoon climbed back into bed his head was now on his chest. "i want to watch over you." he chuckled at jihoon's face of obvious confusion, and when jihoon tried to lift his head from his chest he shook his head, making him relax against his chest. jihoon hummed when soonyoung ran his fingers through his hair, he felt a wave of calm wash over him, and he hadn't felt that in a few weeks, it felt good nonetheless. 

"shouldn't i be doing that? the doctor said to keep an eye on you." jihoon complained, huffing when soonyoung kept him against his chest, despite jihoon being determined to swap these roles upon the doctor's instructions. 

"have you slept?" soonyoung questioned the younger. jihoon nodded against the others warm chest but soonyoung saw right through him. "you're lying."

"soonyoung, really it doesn't matter if i did or not, what matters is you're safe... here... with me."

"i don't think you have to be afraid of me going back there." jihoon sat up, soonyoung looking him directly in the eyes and the look he gave him showed no lies. the doctor had explained to soonyoung that he wouldn't go back if he had died and soonyoung remembered every little detail about the apocalypse and what is was like, what it felt like there.

"you don't really talk about it." he mumbled. "you don't have to, i wouldn't want to relive it either. you're really brave, soonyoung. i admire you for that."

"can i have a glass of water?" soonyoung asked out of the blue but jihoon concluded that it was mostly because of the crying and the yelling in his sleep which had caused his throat to dry. jihoon nodded, standing up, telling him he'd be all but five minutes, as he made his way out after unlocking the door.

the house was quiet, quieter than normal for two people being there. something about it had always creeped jihoon out even before soonyoung had started staying there with them. the silence, the dark, being alone and then hearing something behind you for you to turn around and nothing is there to grab you from the shadows. the knowledge that you're alone but the feeling of being trapped inside with someone else, it was all too much for jihoon as he shivered.

it was also cold in the house. he would've been warmer if he had dressed himself in proper bed clothes, he was only wearing soonyoung's shirt. he always slept like that but as soon as soonyoung had started to stay he had asked him if it would make him uncomfortable and soonyoung was more than happy for jihoon to continue living like he had always done, but the soft touches along his legs and thighs as soonyoung would hum to him were worth it and it just let him know that soonyoung was home, he was safe with him.

so when he heard a floorboard creak he instantly jumped, wrapping his arms around his body as he looked behind him, no one was there just as he had suspected but it didn't fail to scare him. he felt he was more on guard with soonyoung recently being allowed to come home from the hospital.

they had made an agreement that soonyoung would stay with jihoon and his family so someone could watch over him as he started to recover. soonyoung staying alone wasn't a good idea since he had no one to watch over him and jihoon had vowed to take responsibilty and since he still blamed himself for what happened to the older he wouldn't let anyone tell him he couldn't. 

...and unfortunately, soonyoung's parents were a no show for the whole duration of his hospital stay. jihoon had tried everything to try and contact them and let them know, but they either didn't reply or he got the wrong number. so the only people to visit soonyoung was jihoon's family and their friends, and jihoon himself.

jihoon still relives the moment soonyoung was hit. the rain, the cold, the sinking of his heart, drowning as he scrambled to him laying on the pavement, the way he had screamed as he cried as he was pulled away from him. the sheer panic he had felt as he had done all he could to wake soonyoung up but nothing had worked. 

jihoon sighed, he had to be happy. he had to be happy because soonyoung was still with him, he was alive and okay despite what had happened he was a fighter, and they could try again together, start fresh. he didn't know how close he was to losing him but he knew it was too close, one slip up and he could've lost him. he may have been close to it or far from it, but it was difficult nonetheless. 

soonyoung had been having a lot of nightmares lately. he'd wake up shivering and pulling jihoon into his embrace, or sometimes it would be jihoon that would wake up to soonyoung yelling out so he'd have to do his best to awake him, just like what had happened tonight. 

he didn't realise how much this would affect the other but his heart hurt seeing him like this. he wanted to make it better and he promised soonyoung when he woke up in the hospital that he'd look after him, so that's what he'd do.

it didn't matter about him anymore, because soonyoung needed him and that was the main thing to him now. he could put their differences behind them and he wanted to because he honestly didn't have the energy to fight anymore with someone he genuinely loved. he believed that they were past that anyway if their kiss had anything to say about it.

he doesn't know whether soonyoung even remembered their kiss, he hadn't brought it up at all since he woke up and jihoon didn't expect him to in the slightest. part of him selfishly wanted soonyoung to remember, but he also didn't want to ask a lot of the other considering he was fresh out of hospital. he was just fresh out of a coma and probably so very confused.

jihoon's nerves spiked and his heartbeat fastened as he heard more footsteps approaching him and turned around to be welcomed by soonyoung. "don't scare me like that." jihoon held a hand to his chest but he frowned as he noticed the other staring at the entrance of the kitchen. "soonyoung? you okay?"

"you..." he had teary eyes, looking at a certain place in the kitchen. jihoon looked towards the place, nothing was there, just the island. 

"there's nothing there, soonyoung." he reassured, opening the cabinet to grab a glass to fill it with cold water, letting the tap run for a minute so it would be cold. 

"your parents." he sighed out a shaky breath. "you had to..."

"hey, calm down. drink this, that's it." jihoon whispered, walking over to him with the water, making him take a sip from the glass with a comforting hand rubbing circles on his back. "just take it easy, okay. you're okay."

"but your parents." he pointed. jihoon smiled, walking him to the living room and taking a seat on the sofa, still holding the glass for soonyoung, occasionally tilting it up when he wanted to sip. 

"they're at work." jihoon held soonyoung's hand in his own tenderly. he left little shapes and letters on his hand. soonyoung made out the words _it's okay_ and _i love you_. it made him smile, because soonyoung loved him back so much but he didn't have the words to say it.

"why won't it go away, jihoon? why can't i forget?" jihoon's heart broke, all he could was hold him and let him know he was there and he'd take as much time as soonyoung needed.

"you were asleep for a long time." he muttered. "it's not your fault. it'll get better soon, soonyoung. i promise."

"i knew there was something off about you." jihoon raised an eyebrow. soonyoung hardly talked about the apocalypse to him so it was new to see him like this, but jihoon would just let him talk and he would listen. if it would help him in the long run then he'd do it for hours. "you were so willing to hug me and make up but that's nothing like you at all."

"you can tell me." jihoon rubbed the others back. "i'll listen to it."

"i found you at a supermarket when i went looking for supplies, and i almost shot you, i thought you were one of those, i thought you were a zombie but you wasn't, and when you turned around i—well you flinched at first, but then you let me hug you, you'd never do that."

"what was he like?" jihoon asked, genuinely curious. it was crazy asking about himself when he was right there and he was his own person. knowing that it was him just somewhere else, knowing that soonyoung had met another him, it was all so surreal and hard to believe. it was even more unsettling knowing that the version of him that soonyoung met was no longer with them, and it made jihoon question how many decisions he had made that had saved him but hurt another him.

"you had similarities." soonyoung chuckled. "stubborn."

"hey, i'm not stubborn." jihoon mocked offence, placing the glass of water on the table. 

"you're kind of stubborn." soonyoung reasoned and jihoon just sighed but motioned for him to go ahead. maybe he was stubborn but that was just him. 

"i guess the most striking difference was how quick you warmed to me." jihoon nodded. that would be a bit confusing for soonyoung considering they hated each other before the accident. "I just thought that maybe you'd realised the world had gone to shit and there wasn't any point in us fighting anymore."

"it felt that real?" soonyoung nodded. "i'm sorry, soonyoung." jihoon looked away, willing the tears away as he didn't want to focus any attention on anyone but soonyoung. soonyoung tutted, moving jihoon's head to look his way, just like what had happened in his dream, but he knew that he was safe right now and that jihoon was not going to turn into a zombie. 

"it's not your fault." he smiled. "I was just stood in the wrong place at the wrong time. you couldn't have known it was going to happen."

"but i should've let you stay the night. that's what i was planning on happening." soonyoung wasn't in the mood to make jokes and he could tell that jihoon held a lot of guilt in him that he was trying to hide away for the sake of soonyoung, but soonyoung knew that was no good for him. he was sure jihoon was exhausted from constantly stressing over him. 

"i don't blame you." soonyoung reassured. "it was an accident, i'm just lucky to still be here, i'm alive. from what the doctor told me i could've died... in both worlds, so i'm just grateful that i woke up."

"they said something like that to me too. something about you being weak, i can't really remember, i wasn't really paying attention since i could only think of you." soonyoung nodded. "what happened, soonyoung? ...to me. what happened to me?"

"you were bit. a zombie bite is fatal and you're lucky to survive five minutes let alone a few hours like you did." soonyoung sighed. he wanted to be honest with jihoon, but he also didn't want to scare him. "we went to look for a cure and you followed me in even though i told you to stay outside with jeonghan. you got bit but you hid it from me. i went looking for medicine and even went to get some snacks so we could maybe watch a movie together and when i came back... jeonghan told me it was too late."

"we were all there?"

"yes, we were. there was someone else but i would much rather forget about him, he ruined a lot for our group." jihoon nodded, respecting his privacy. he didn't have to tell him everything, he didn't owe that to anyone. "seeing someone like that... as a zombie. it breaks you... i couldn't breathe, i couldn't feel anything, i was numb."

"i'm sorry, soonyoung. i truly am."

"i get why you did it now, but i was lost without you, jihoon."

"he did what he needed to do for you to come home, soonie." jihoon hugged his side. he felt the other tense up but didn't think too much of it, continuing to hug him. 

"you didn't even try for me, jihoon. you did this to me." he felt soonyoung push him away, the push was slightly painful but he respected the fact the older wanted some space, but it hurt his feelings.

"soonyoung, i'm not him. look at me, please." jihoon pleaded. "i'm not that jihoon that left you. i promise i won't leave you."

"don't lie to me." he yelled. "everyone left me because they hated me because i was trying to keep the group together. you left me and that hurt me more than anything. you didn't even give me a chance to help or to say goodbye."

"that's not happening now. i promise you." jihoon cupped soonyoung's cheeks. "i'm here. i'm here to stay. i promise i'll never leave you. you know it's me, soonyoung. i know you know it."

"you promise?" he sniffled, eyes glassy with tears. jihoon simply nodded, his actions speaking louder than words. "you promise you won't get bit. you won't turn, hoonie, right?."

"zombies aren't real, soonyoung. they won't hurt me or you, okay." soonyoung nodded. "you're tired, let's go back to bed." another nod from the said sleepy one as jihoon helped him up, leaving the glass where it was.

"don't your parents want me to use the guest room?" he questioned as they walked past it, seing some of his belongings on the bed. 

"they mentioned it." he chuckled, holding onto soonyoung's hand as he pulled him in the direction of the room they were staying in. "but i would much rather you stay with me, so i can make sure you're okay." soonyoung raised an eyebrow. "unless you don't want to then... by all means you can move into the guest room."

"no i quite like sleeping with you." jihoon stopped in his tracks, an obvious pink blush spreading across his cheeks. "you're warm and you make me feel safe."

"that's what friends are for." jihoon smiled, although it did make his heart hurt. "let's sleep, i'm tired." soonyoung felt himself be pulled back down into bed, jihoon holding onto him tight. "you won't go back there, right?"

"no." soonyoung shook his head. "the doctor told me that if i died i wouldn't be able to go back. i didn't make it." jihoon nodded. "the last thing i want to do is go back to be honest."

"it sounds awful there." jihoon whimpered, snuggling closer to soonyoung. he'd always been slightly afraid of the zombies on the television and in the comics, he didn't think he'd be able to handle it in real life. he was very glad to be the jihoon he was.

"it was." soonyoung replied, holding onto jihoon tighter, just to know that he was real. "you know sometimes i wonder what they're doing there now. like if they made it to a safer place since the motel was overrun. if they've lost anyone else besides us. if they went back to the motel afterwards since there was no time to pack belongings. if they're mourning us."

"it's very surreal." jihoon muttered, sleep laced in his voice. "i'm sure they miss you very much, but please sleep, you'll be sick otherwise." jihoon yawned and soonyoung nodded, placing a hand on jihoon's back, lightly soothing him to sleep.

—

_"i can't believe you let him do that! what the hell are we meant to do now?"_

_"he wanted to." seungcheol had his hands on the steering wheel, gripping tight. "all of us would have died otherwise, we had to leave and we had to then and there."_

_"he's our leader." jeonghan argued back. "he's gone, our second in command is gone. changmin is too young. mingyu has just lost his best friend and so have i. what the fuck are we going to do with no one to run this group?"_

_"i'll take over." seungcheol shrugged. "i did it before at the hotel, i can do it again."_

_"i just can't believe you gave up on him that easily." jeonghan shook his head. "we never give up on our own as easy as you just did."_

_"i didn't give up on him. he wanted to stay, han. that's what he wanted and what the universe was telling him to do." he sighed, he was upset but he had to stay strong because he could hear soonyoung telling him to stay strong for him. "i have to respect his decision, han. i told him he didn't have to do it, but i just don't think he could take it anymore."_

_"he was upset and broken." junhui sighed from the back. "he lost jihoon, the love of his life. he looked so weak, like he was already gone."_

_"well, he created a distraction." seungcheol muttered and jeonghan scoffed in disbelief, shaking his head._

_"your friend just stayed behind at a mob and the only thing you can say is that he created a distraction. he wasn't happy, seungcheol and none of us did much to help him. we're also at fault."_

_"he wanted to stay, jeonghan. that was his decision. there was no changing his mind."_

_"can we just try and get away from these fuckers, please." hansol, who was sat beside junhui pointed. "they're only going to focus on soonyoung for so long, then they'll hear the cars and come running. to be honest, i don't want to die tonight."_

_"hansol's right." seungcheol sighed again. "we can't change it, but we have to keep going, that's what soonyoung would want. unfortunately, this shit is fucked up and we're going to lose people in the group, it's inevitable. we can't let that affect us, we're stronger as a group and we have to move on."_

_"soonyoung was my friend, so was jihoon. it's not like we're strangers." jeonghan hissed._

_"i get that, han. i really do. they were my friends too. but if we're going to survive we have to be strong. you can't let that scare you, we have to act like a wall, we'll never get knocked down. that's how we survive."_

_"it's just difficult. these are people that we're close with. they're just gone in seconds."_

_"i'm devastated too, han." seungcheol drove faster, right behind the car minghao was driving. "i just really don't think soonyoung was ready to move from there. knowing him he'd come back here in a day or two because he can't leave jihoon, he's incomplete without him."_

_"what do we do now?" he sighed._

_"find another place and set up there, try and start new. stick together as a group and take care of changmin." seungcheol said. "survive is the main goal. not only for ourselves and the group, but for the baby."_

_"poor changmin." jeonghan sighed._

_"we just have to look after him. when he's old enough he'll know the truth, he deserves that much. he needs to know how jihoon and soonyoung were some of the best people we knew. they started this group and they did everything to keep it together even if they had their problems."_

_"do you think he'll you know... turn?" jeonghan asked._

_"no there's no way." seungcheol shook his head. "there was way too many of them for them to avoid his head. if they got him there then he's not coming back."_

_"for his sake i hope he doesn't. turn" hansol mumbled. "no one deserves to turn into one of those things. i can't imagine one of our own like that."_

_"like i said, there's no way he'd be able to turn with that many of them." seungcheol kept driving. "we have to move on. soonyoung did a lot for us, we have to repay him by continuing to protect the group. he wasn't always the best but he tried. he found the motel for starters, found jihoon and he let us stay, he helped secure the place. he was an asshole to jihoon for sure but when he went missing, soonyoung did everything to make sure he was brought back safe, he put the group first so many times. i want to do that too because he was the best leader we could've had. if i don't it means soonyoung did all of this for nothing. he went through a lot, more than all of us put together probably have."_

_"never thought of it that way." junhui sighed. "he went through a lot." junhui went to say something but stopped himself._

_"say it." jeonghan smiled. "he's not here to hear you say it."_

_"that makes me feel worse, jeonghan."_

_"you can say it. i can see it's playing on your mind. don't let it eat you up."_

_"it's just... something about him was off from the start." jeonghan raised an eyebrow, moving his head to look at junhui in the back seat. "he never trusted anyone quickly. he wouldn't even talk to them a lot but with minjoon he opened up right away. it was just so opposite of what he was like."_

_"i guess an apocalypse does things like that to you." jeonghan shrugged._

_"but in an apocalypse you have to be careful who you trust. we trusted minjoon, look where that's lead us."_

_"we were all going to go one way or another, jun." seungcheol stated. he was right. he just wasn't ready for that to happen to his friends._

\--

soonyoung was the one that stayed awake as jihoon slept soundly beside him. he knew that jihoon has lied to him when he asked if he had slept and he felt partly guilty for that so he let jihoon get the well deserved sleep he needed. 

soonyoung had a hand on one of jihoon's thighs to soothe him to sleep, something he had learnt jihoon was a fan of despite his hate of most skinship with many people. he just loved that jihoon trusted him and he couldn't describe how much he loved him. 

jihoon had his arms wrapped around soonyoung's neck, his head resting in the crook of his neck, little puffs of breath warming the skin of his neck. soonyoung's one arm was underneath jihoon as he led on it. he had told himself that it wouldn't be comfortable for jihoon but when he had fallen asleep there was nothing soonyoung could do. 

he tried to keep his heart calm when jihoon hummed into his neck, mumbling something before relaxing again, pulling soonyoung closer by the leg thrown over his waist. soonyoung took note of the curve of his body as he'd move closer to soonyoung and he thought back to everything he had done with jihoon. he knew that he could start fresh with the jihoon he truly loved and wanted to spend the rest of his days with and he was determined to forget everyone from that other reality so he could make that happen. he would be able to make jihoon feel loved but he wanted to make sure that it was the jihoon he loved that he was thinking about. 

then he needed to use the bathroom and it was probably the worse time for it to happen because he didn't want to wake jihoon when this was probably the first time he'd slept properly in a few weeks. so he started slowly moving his arm from underneath the younger. when jihoon stirred he froze, waiting until he stopped moving and soonyoung could start moving again. when he successfully freed his arm he realised how much it ached and as he moved it around it let out an almighty click that hurt but felt so good. he would do it again if jihoon asked but he would try and avoid it. 

he tucked jihoon under the covers, moving a few strands of hair from his face and leaving a kiss on his cheek. he made his way to the bathroom after unlocking the bedroom door, doing what he had to do and washing his hands.

the soap jihoon had in his bathroom smelled divine and he swore jihoon was a master in scents because he always smelled so good, sometimes, when they were enemies and were always arguing, soonyoung would make sure he'd bump into younger just so he could smell what scent he had picked that day. 

soonyoung was wearing a sleeveless shirt and he reimagined the tattoo he had on his arm. it was pretty and he was thinking of getting it again but with jihoon's birthday because he can't exactly remember the day they met because he's sure it started with an argument, and jihoon meant the most to him in his life. 

"come back to bed." he heard a small voice and turned to see jihoon poking his head from behind the door. "you should rest."

"so should you, that's why i tried not to wake you." soonyoung sighed, opening his arms so jihoon could walk in fully and give him a hug. "i'm determined to forget, jihoon. i want to forget for you... because i love you and only you."

"i want this to work, soonyoung." jihoon smiled despite the tiredness. "i'll wait everyday for you because you shouldn't rush this." soonyoung nodded, leaving a peck on the top of jihoon's head before they both simultaneously yawned and chuckled afterwards, finally going to sleep, and soonyoung was determined to do well, for no one other than jihoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! 😭 this has been a long time coming and i’m so sorry it took me so long to start. i wasn’t happy with the drafts i had made and was working on them for a while. i’ve finally started it and i hope you will enjoy since the first one seemed to be enjoyed which is great to see because i worked hard, so thank you for reading 🥺✨ 
> 
> i’m excited to finally start this and i hope it’ll be good 😭
> 
> until the next update, stay safe and have a lovely week 💞


	2. don’t be afraid

soonyoung replayed the words jihoon had said to him before he had entered the room he was currently sat in. _it's okay, you don't have to be afraid, you know i'm out here if you need me, don't be afraid to tell them to let you stop. go at your own pace, this is about you and no one else._ that’s what he had told him and soonyoung kept saying that in his head, zoning out from the world around him.

he was always so terrified of zoning out, just in case he went back there. he was positive that he never would but it was still always a thought at the back of his mind, one that he wanted to let go off for the sake of everyone. he only really felt safe now around jihoon so him being sat outside the room didn't sit right with him at all. not only because he wanted him by his side but also because he didn’t know what was out there that could hurt the younger. 

"so you said that you heard the beeping? soonyoung... soonyoung!" soonyoung jumped out of his trance, rubbing his hands over his eyes as he nodded as he sat with his doctor, who was trying to help him understand about what happened. jihoon was waiting outside in the corridor, reading through some music work he had going on, that he'd had less time to spend on since he was with soonyoung. he was making a song with one of his friends and he thought he'd have a good opportunity to do it then since he wasn't allowed in the room with soonyoung.

"yeah, i just thought i had a headache. to be honest i had just lost jihoon and i just wasn't in the best state. i wasn't to begin with... an apocalypse isn't a walk in the park. you have to fight, there is no us in an apocalypse, you have to put yourself first and that's what hurt so much because i couldn't do that. our group wasn’t just me, it was all of us.” 

"he was bit?" soonyoung nodded at the doctor's question, thinking it was honestly completely unneccessary and he'd been here for a while so he wondered when he'd be done. he had already answered that question about jihoon before to the doctor but he had to keep answering, something about helping him forget or come to terms with the fact that the reality he was in never existed... or something like that. he knew that they thought it was completely absurd but he lived it and he knew he what it was like, but he didn't know if this was helping him. "how does it work? the bite?"

"i don't know in all honesty. i only saw it happen to jihoon and that was one time, and he was gone within a few hours. to be completely honest with you, it's something i can't really answer because i didn't even know he was bit until i returned from trying to find medicine for him. i just know that they bite and it'll kill you. the rest of it- of you, they just ripped you apart until there was nothing left, and if you were left with your head intact then you'd turn into one of them. you get the brain before anything else."

"so to stop them?.."

"aim for the head, stop the brain." soonyoung was uninterested, leaning against the chair he was in with no expressions on his features. he hated these appointments, hated having to relive every moment that he thought was real, it made him feel like he was completely insane and that behind his back these doctor's were just laughing at him. "you ask a lot of questions, more specifically the same ones. are you preparing for one of these?" the doctor shook their head. "you can't just prepare for one of those. it’s nothing like the shows you watch late at night with a bowl of snacks."

"no, we're just trying to figure out what happened to you." the doctor smiled trying to create some trust with the other because he wasn’t as cooperative as they had hoped. "i can't imagine what it was like. i would never want to experience one but unfortunately i'm not allowed to talk about my opinions with you, it’s against the rules. we're just trying to help you, soonyoung."

"it was scary." he admitted, playing with the rings on his fingers. "it was constantly scary and it didn't stop. you had to be brave though, you couldn't let it show that it affected you and that's what made me weak. you could either let that fear get the best of you or you could survive, that's what it's like. trust is basically non existent unless you know someone well enough but even then you have to be careful."

"you speak like you know very well." soonyoung stopped, looking dumbfounded. he chuckled and he was surprised that jihoon had bursted in because he would be able to feel the pure rage coming from him. 

"well, yeah." soonyoung nodded, irritation running through his veins. "i lived through it, i was there, i saw those things so i do speak like i know very well... because i do. even if it was only for a short amount of time, a lot happened that's hard to process. i don't want to talk about it yet though, not too much. i still remember it too much and it's hard to trust you. i made the mistake of trusting someone and it lost me someone i lov- well, he wasn't my real love but he still meant a lot."

"that's understandable, soonyoung. the last thing we want to do is to push you to talk about something you're still uncomfortable about." the doctor smiled, writing a few things down on their notepad. "it's a new thing for us too. the last thing we want you to do is push yourself too much, just take this at your own pace. are you having trouble sleeping at all? i know your other doctor told you that it was normal."

"sometimes i do. if not, i normally wake up during the night with nightmares but jihoon's always there. he makes me feel safe." soonyoung leant back in the chair. "he's the only one that makes me feel like i'm not crazy. it's not something to get over quickly, and it's going to be hard for me to forget and move on but jihoon's there and he told me he'd wait."

"we're not trying to make you feel like you're crazy for this. this was completely out of your control but this is just new to us and we need your help so we can help you. there's not much we can do if we don't have a full understanding." the doctor sighed. "we're just trying to understand why, and what it was like so we can help you the best we can. we've never had this happen, we just want to know what it was like. you're already helping us a lot, soonyoung, we appreciate that."

"okay." soonyoung sat back up, arms resting on his knees. his eyes were dark with annoyance and he was kind of intimidating. "it was terrifying if that's any help, and if you were sat right here where i am now having to answer question after question about a place you'd much rather forget about because someone you care about so deeply has to go through the same amount of pain as you, seeing you wake up in the night terrified, blaming themselves every second of every day because you got hurt, you'd probably get a bit annoyed too."

"mr kwon, if you're done for the day please feel free to leave." the doctor gave him a nod, not one that was dimissing in a rude way but they knew soonyoung was starting to get annoyed and they should call it a day. "we aren't forcing you to sit here, if you want these sessions to end then you can by all means stop them. we just want to help."

"thank you." he sighed, standing up and grabbing his jacket from the chair, pulling it over himself. "same time next week i'm guessing." the doctor smiled at the fact that soonyoung still wanted to help them and himself, he just had to do them in small sessions. 

"yes." they nodded. "try and remember anything you can but if it's too much you don't have to. we think that maybe these sessions will help you realise that everything was like a dream and now you're here and awake. we need to be prepared for if something like this happens again to someone else but you can by all means take this at your own pace."

"i'll try." he muttered before leaving, slamming the door a little too loudly behind him as jihoon looked up from where he was sat in the corridor. some other patients looked towards them as the sound had startled them but soonyoung just stayed quiet, unmoving.

"hey, how did it go?" jihoon looked towards him with a small smile and soonyoung shrugged. "are you okay, youngie?"

"it went fine, jihoon." he smiled, not as genuine as he had hoped it would come across as but he couldn't let jihoon catch on. "let's go, we've been here long enough." 

jihoon quickly packed away his papers, not giving even the slightest glance or care if they crinkled up before he closed his bag, catching up with the other before he left the building.

"are you sure you're okay, you don't look too good?" he could tell when soonyoung was angry, especially since they used to be angry at each other almost every day, and jihoon could confidently say he never wanted to be in soonyoung's bad books. jihoon placed a hand on his shoulder when soonyoung flinched, stopping in his place like ice. "soonyoung, please. i know you well enough to tell when you're not okay. you can talk to me."

"i'm fine, stop asking." he hissed. "i just hate having to relive that shit, i just want to forget it and start new. is that too much to ask?" soonyoung's voice had a slight growl to it and jihoon knew not to make him more angry. maybe jihoon should think before he spoke, but he didn't see a problem with what he said,maybe soonyoung was just having a bad day and jihoon was slowly pushing all his buttons.

"you don't have to come back here, soonie. i thought that it would help if you talked to the doctors about it, maybe they can help you understand and help you move on." jihoon sighed trying to think of the right words. "it's not something you can just forget, soonyoung. i'm just trying to help you, i care abo-"

"the last thing i need is your help, jihoon." soonyoung hissed, turning around quickly to come face to face with the other, although he had to look down a tiny bit. "i didn't ask for your help."

"soonyoung, wait." he tried to grab his arm but he was too quick. jihoon was left to watch as soonyoung walked away, probably back home.

"shit. way to go, jihoon." he sighed, shaking his head afterwards. jihoon had no clue how to deal with this either. he was just as in the dark as everyone else but he was trying his hardest to help soonyoung the best he could. he was about to start following him when he heard someone shout his name.

"jihoon!" jihoon turned around to see jeonghan. he smiled faintly and jeonghan pointed to the way soonyoung was walking. "is that soonyoung?"

jihoon nodded, looking at soonyoung's slowly disappearing figure. "yeah, he just finished another appointment. i don't think he's too happy right now with that and me."

"i don't think he's unhappy with you, hoon. maybe he's just overwhelmed. you can't be too surprised if he lashes out a few times. he's confused." jeonghan sighed, nodding behind him. "let's go to the cafe, give him some space, hmm. he'll be fine after he thinks things through."

jihoon followed jeonghan to the cafe, backpack thrown loosely over his shoulder, both of them taking a seat near the window. jihoon ordered a coffee as jeonghan ordered a smoothie, but the only thing on his mind was soonyoung.

whether soonyoung was okay, whether he was panicking. if soonyoung got home safely and whether he stayed awake. something was always scaring jihoon that he'd go back to that place but this time he'd never come back. it kept him awake at night knowing that the love of his life could potentially go back to such a place of fear and never return to him.

he'd never be able to tell soonyoung how much he loved him. god, jihoon just wanted to scream. he wanted to scream at soonyoung that he wanted to kiss the fuck out of him because he loved him so much he couldn't contain it but he had to contain it. he had to because he knew soonyoung wasn't okay and bringing feelings into the mix... 

"hey, do you remember the truth or dare game?" jeonghan chuckled, breaking jihoon out of his thoughts. jihoon rolled his eyes before responding.

"is this really the time?" he raised an eyebrow. "...but yes i do remember it... vividly actually."

"you fell asleep and soonyoung took you home, made sure you were safe. i don't know what happened between you two but soonyoung was making sure you were okay. he cares about you, jihoon, don't think that he doesn't." jeonghan smiled.

"where is this going?" jihoon asked, hands gripping the coffee cup so harshly he'd thought he'd break it. "do you think i don't care about him? i get that he likes to take the initiative and he likes to take care of me but i care for him more than anyone will ever know."

"no, that's not what i'm saying. me and cheol are the same, he’s more inclined to take care of me but i’d do anything for him. i just think that you need to see what he wants. he's still getting used to the fact that what he had... it wasn't real, maybe making him talk about it isn't what he wants right now."

"i'm not forcing him to. i just want him to be able to freely talk about it and hopefully move on." jihoon defended himself. "i'm afraid, jeonghan. i'm so afraid he'll go back there but this time he won't wake up. i was so close to losing him, jeonghan. i love him too much to see him like that again."

"he's not going back there, hoon." jeonghan reassured, holding his hand out for jihoon to take, which he did after a few seconds of staring at jeonghan's open hand.

"do you ever think about what you're doing?" jihoon asked completely out of the blue. jeonghan raised a brow. "he went somewhere where we all were there too. it wasn’t real for soonyoung but it’s real for the rest of them. do you ever think about what the other you is doing, like how many other versions of us exist?"

"no, i never thought about it like that. it's kinda creepy if you think about it. you always think that you are the only you, but there's so many alternate versions of you. it freaks me out, i don't know how soonyoung deals with that."

"yeah, knowing that somewhere another version of you is fighting through a fucking apocalypse... or was. it could've been this version of me."

"don't let it get to you, ji." jeonghan said, slowly rubbing his thumb soothingly over jihoon's hand. "i can see how it's affecting you too. don't lose yourself to this, you're safe here." jihoon sighed but nodded. he felt tired, yawning, he hadn't been getting much sleep lately.

"not much sleep?" jeonghan sipped his smoothie as jihoon shook his head, groaning in frustration.

"soonyoung wakes up with nightmares. i normally don't sleep so i can make sure he doesn't wake up alone."

"i feel so sorry for him." jeonghan frowned. "i can't even imagine what he feels."

"do you think he'll be okay?" jihoon asked, eyes holding the fear that jeonghan could tell he held. he didn't really know what to say but he had to try and keep jihoon as sane as he could.

"you have to let him recover at his own pace. to be honest, you're saying a lot of things, jihoon. are you afraid of him?" jeonghan sighed. "what do you mean by you’re afraid?"

"the doctor told me that if he can't forget, if he can't move on... he could go back there. i don't want that to happen, han. he has so much trouble already. if he goes back, i might not ever be able to tell him how much i want him."

"i'm sure soonyoung was the same person he is now. he's an amazing person, jihoon, just trust him a little. he wouldn't do anything bad, he's not that type of person. he’s probably trying his best.” 

"in an apocalypse it's probably so different?" jihoon whispered. "i don't think it's all fun and games as you make it out to be. we only see it when we're in front of screen or from the comics, it must be a lot different experiencing it. he doesn't talk about it to me too much but i'm sure he had to do horrible things." jihoon could feel his heart picking up and his eyes burning. "it's all my fault."

"it's not your fault, jihoon. soonyoung knows that too. what are you afraid of, you can tell me. you shouldn't have to do this alone, hoonie." jeonghan leaned forward. the last thing he wanted was for someone in their hearing range to listening in on this conversation.

"fuck, i don't know!" jihoon threw his hands in the air. he could feel his tears threatening to spill out and he felt so fucking guilty for letting soonyoung walk away when he probably needed comfort.

"calm down, you're attracting attention." jeonghan motioned to all the people looking their way, probably wondering why jihoon had yelled in the middle of a quiet cafe and what was going on.

"sorry." jihoon sighed, looking out the window before looking back at the older, his hands playing around with the cup in front of him. he stayed silent for a minute before leaning in to whisper. "what if he can't forget? what if he thinks i'm bit and he tries to...? i'm sure he had to kill there."

"he would never hurt you, jihoon. just keep an eye on him, but i know for a fact that he’d never lay a hand on you." jeonghan stated. "maybe try to show him that there isn't an apocalypse here, there's nothing to kill us and make us zombies. is there anything that could make him remember that properly, maybe bring him fully back to reality?"

"no. i don't know." jihoon placed his head in his palms. "i just want him back properly, han. i miss him." he sighed, thinking as hard as he could it was actually starting to give him a headache.

_"i'm guessing i have to act like this didn't happen." soonyoung chuckled when jihoon rolled his eyes._

_"i really do hate you. a kiss means nothing." for some reason the hurt that crossed soonyoung's eyes made him feel so guilty. he stood biting his lip in thought as soonyoung sighed, slipping on his shoes and leaving. "wait." jihoon called and took a step outside. he regretted that when he realised it was raining but this was soonyoung. "i—i can't pretend that i didn't like it."_

_"you do?" soonyoung looked down with a small smile on his face._

_"yeah. a lot." jihoon breathed out and soonyoung walked up to him, already drenched from the rain and jihoon wondered why he hadn't noticed the weather sooner when they were inside, but that thought was pushed back when soonyoung smashed their lips together._

"the rain." jihoon whispered. "the kiss in the rain."

"that's so cliche." jeonghan scoffed but stayed quiet after jihoon shot him a glare.

"it was our first real kiss, one that was more than just enemies taking their anger out on each other." jihoon sighed. "this kiss meant something to the both of us. it felt like i was floating, like i was finally just doing something that i wanted for someone that i wanted. i... fell in love."

"you think true loves kiss is just going to save him?" jihoon didn't appreciate the comment because he didn't think this was really a joking matter. he's sure jeonghan had a feeling with seungcheol when he knew he loved him. the kiss in the rain with soonyoung was him knowing he was in love with the older and he'd do anything to help him remember that feeling.

"no, i'm not saying that but it's the only thing i have. the last thing we both need is to start arguing again and hating each other. the kiss was the first time i actually let myself love soonyoung. i don't even know if he remembers it but what else do you suggest? it's a risky one... it's also how he ended up like this. i'm scared to kiss him because i'm scared it'll happen again."

"you can only try. don't be afraid, jihoon. you didn't know it was doing to happen, it wasn't your fault. he loves you so much, if he had any ounce of hate for you he wouldn't be with you right now and he wouldn't be trying to forget for you."

"he scares me, jeonghan." jihoon felt his eyes burning from the tears that jeonghan was wiping away so no one would come up to them to ask what was going on. "not because he does anything bad, but i'm scared he'll forget who i am. the real me, the me from this world, the me he's meant to love. i mean he woke up and told me we were married and had a kid. maybe he'll try and seek out this jihoon and forget me. han... i want to tell him that one day we will have those things but i just can't bring myself to do it. i don't want him to do this for me, i want him to do this for himself, because he deserves to live his life knowing where he is and what's real."

"he needs to adjust to the change." jeonghan reassured. "he'll get there, he just needs time. that might be less than we think or more than we think but whatever happens, you'll be okay."

"yeah you're right." he smiled, rubbing his eyes and rubbing his nose with the napkin giving to him alongside his coffee. "it's going to take some time for the both of us. i'll just keep an eye on him, hope he doesn't take a turn for the worst. i just have to remind him that i'm not trying to rush him, he needs to take this at his own pace."

"why don't you text him, make sure he's okay?" jeonghan motioned to the lone phone sat on the table, a picture of soonyoung and jihoon as the lockscreen as jihoon tapped on the front.

jeonghan remembered their trip to the beach a few weeks before soonyoung's accident.

—

_"it's pretty here." jihoon breathed in the salty scent of the sea, sand underneath his feet that would be hell to get rid of when they went back but he didn't care the slightest as he felt the chilly breeze cause goosebumps to run up his arms, making his neck tingle in the best way possible. they were staying in the hotel across the street, all of them, as a friendship trip and they'd been coming to the beach almost everyday since they arrived._

_"yeah, that's one thing we can agree on." soonyoung said quietly, looking towards jihoon with a shy smile, his eyes sparking with the stars that jihoon promised himself he wouldn't try and catch. they were stood pretty far apart. the rest of their friends were playing in the water as they stood in silence._

_"i'd like to have my wedding here someday." jihoon voiced aloud._

_"who says you're going to get married?" soonyoung teased and jihoon scoffed, rolling his eyes at the other._

_"can't you just let me enjoy something for once, kwon, without you ruining it?"_

_"fine, enjoy your little fantasy." he chuckled and the laugh confirmed that he was just playing around, trying to get a reaction out of jihoon. "don't expect me to attend though."_

_"who says you're going to be invited?" jihoon smirked, but in his head questioned why soonyoung wouldn't turn up to his own wedding, and soonyoung glared at him before pushing him into the water._

_jihoon yelped, holding onto soonyoung's arm which pulled him into the cold water with him. they both emerged from the water laughing, soonyoung splashing jihoon as he tried to swim away. although cold they kept swimming to try and warm up, not really looking around them or behind them._

_"hey, we've gone a bit far out." jihoon stopped swimming, looking towards the shore in the distance. they could still hear the yelling from their friends but it was quiet where they were._

_jihoon's back hit something and he looked behind him to see a wooden pole, looking up he noticed they had swam all the way to the wooden cabins that were built along the water. this was the very end one and where they were hidden, nobody could see them. jihoon had remembered coming to the beach a few times as a kid and always wanting to stay in one of the rooms on water._

_"i've always wanted to stay in one of these." he voiced out, not really having a reason to say it but it felt right in the moment. soonyoung chuckled, swimming away to look around the back of the room. he noticed the steps and walked up them, jihoon only noticing his departure after hearing the water dripping off him. "soonyoung, what are you playing at?" he hissed. "there's probably people staying in there."_

_"it's empty, no bags or anything. i don't think anyone is staying here, ji." jihoon believed him, knowing that if someone was indeed in the room he'd make a dive for it back into the water._

_"it's a pretty room." jihoon commented as he joined soonyoung on the balcony. there was a hanging swing and jihoon took a seat. yes, he was soaking from the water but no one was staying there it seemed so who would know besides him and soonyoung._

_"it's locked." soonyoung huffed as he tried to open the door. "it's mostly for couples anyway so you probably have to request these rooms and probably pay extra."_

_"couples?" jihoon asked. "surely anyone can book one of these for the night."_

_"yeah but these are separated pretty far and they're advertised online for couples." he commented on the other cabins, each a far distance from each other. "they're perfect for two people who are taking a nice romantic trip to the beach."_

_"get your mind out the gutter, soonyoung." jihoon tapped the others shoulder after standing up from the swing. although the older was completely right. these rooms were specifically targeted for couples who maybe wanted some quality alone time without disturbance._

_"i didn't say anything, but hey, it's like a perfect location. it's dimly lit, the sound of waves, look even the glass. there must be some excitement of potentially being caught, even though there's no way you could." soonyoung explained to which jihoon decided to respond,_

_"unless people like us came snooping in on them. there could've have been a couple in there but you just came right on up." soonyoung looked in amusement at the younger._

_"we would've heard them." he smirked, lightly pinching jihoon's waist making him yelp and cover his mouth with his hand. then jihoon remembered something, and as he looked at the water dripping from the other he couldn't keep it to himself._

_"soonyoung, about what i said to you during truth and dare..."_

_"you said a lot to me. i don't even know if you can remember it, you were pretty much knocked out as soon as you properly hit the bed." soonyoung gave him a side glance, still looking into the room._

_"you said when we're sober and we know what we're doing..." jihoon fidgeted with his fingers, everything was so much more interesting right now. he bit his lip waiting for the other to say something, anything to him._

_"i said i'd sleep with you." soonyoung looked towards him, making sure that jihoon understood exactly what he was saying. "i said that if you still wanted that, we could. if you still want to, i can-"_

_"i... don't want you just for that, soonyoung. i know we're not really the best of friends but i don't want you just for sex." jihoon started before soonyoung connected their lips, shutting him up quickly._

_jihoon melted into the kiss, pulling soonyoung closer by his waist. their lips moved together perfectly and jihoon was taken back to all the other times they'd kissed. they were all exactly the same though. desperate and messy. although he only really enjoyed those types of kisses with soonyoung he wanted ones that were more heartfelt._

_jihoon liked these types of kisses but didn't soonyoung feel anything more than this with him? it didn't seem like it. did he really care?_

_"we can try and get in and i can commit to my promise." jihoon shook his head, leaning away slowly, not really wanting to lose the contact but also not wanting to voice it out loud._

_"breaking into a room isn't what we want to do." he chuckled. "let's just leave. we have all the time in the world, although that room is beautiful."_

_soonyoung watched as jihoon disappeared down the steps and into the water. he followed after him, seeing him again leaning against the wooden pole that held up the rooms that he so badly wanted to spend a night in._

_it was wordless as soonyoung invaded jihoon's space and connected their lips once more. he was addicted but jihoon smiled into the kiss nonetheless.it just felt right, everything about it was right except the sheer force soonyoung was kissing him with. jihoon was sure he'd get a bruise if didn't calm down._

_jihoon's back hit the pole. he was keeping himself afloat by holding onto soonyoung's shoulders and he was guessing soonyoung was starting to find it difficult to stay above water so he gripped the pole as best he could above jihoon's head._

_"lovebirds, we get it." seungkwan snickered alongside mingyu as they emerged from the depths. they saw a flash go off and jihoon pushed soonyoung away, the splash of the older falling back making the others laugh again._

_"how do you even have your phone out here?" jihoon questioned. he looked at seungkwan who looked so proud._

_"i bought this waterproof bag." seungkwan smiled, holding it up in all its glory. "i wanted to take videos underwater to see what was there. maybe i could discover the next big creature. seems like i caught a soonyoung and a jihoon. two in one, how lucky are we, mingyu?”_

_"well delete the photo." jihoon hissed, swimming up to him although they weren't far away. "send it me and then delete it." seungkwan smirked and jihoon knew he was about to say something snarky. "i mean it, kwan."_

_"fine." seungkwan scowled. "jeonghan told us to come and get you. it's getting late and the tides about to rise, we should all head back. you don't want to be here all night."_

—

that's how jihoon got the photo of them on his phone as his lockscreen and he hadn't changed it since seungkwan had sent it to him. a picture of him and the other, looking directly into each other's eyes after they had parted their lips but the thing that made him love the picture so much was soonyoung's smile.

he was smiling down at him with such adoration, his arm towering over jihoon's head to hold himself up. he was kind of mad that seungkwan had interrupted them, but just knowing he was lurking around trying to find sea creatures was enough to have him rushing back to shore without giving soonyoung a second glance.

"i just hope he comes back to me." jihoon sighed, giving a weak smile towards the photo. he had finished his coffee a long while ago and now he was waiting for jeonghan's signal for them to leave.

"maybe taking him to the studio?" jeonghan suggested. "he might hear the track for the song you were going to make in university."

"yeah, maybe that would help." jihoon smiled. "i'm trying anything at this point, mainly because i don't want him going back there. maybe our song will help." soonyoung's time at university had ended while he was in the coma, but they had offered him a year to go back and resit the exams he missed, and jihoon had dropped out when he was failing his classes.

he remembered the arguments he got into over that and how exhausted it had made him. he couldn't help it and he certainly couldn't focus on grades whilst soonyoung was barely hanging on. the last thing on his mind during those days were completing coursework.

—

_"jihoon, you have to do it." seungcheol held out the music sheets. "you're going to fail. i have never known you to fail even a single project. this is so unlike you."_

_"leave me alone." jihoon slapped away the papers which ended up falling all over the floor. seungcheol sighed as jihoon turned away, laying his head on the bed in front of him, occasionally leaning up just to check._

_"you can't do this, jihoon. you can't keep doing this to yourself." seungcheol spoke out as he picked up the papers one by one making sure they were in the right order. "you have to keep yourself going."_

_"how can i do that when he's led there like that?" he motioned to soonyoung, machine beeping lightly with the steady beat of soonyoung's heart. "i can't work, i can't study, i can't leave until he wakes up."_

_"and what if he doesn't wake up?" seungcheol knew it was bad to go there but he had to for jihoon's sake._

_"he will."_

_"but what if he doesn't?" seungcheol turned jihoon to look at him, shaking his shoulders. "if he doesn't you have nothing. can't you work hard for him? can't you show him that you're strong? he needs to know that you can look after yourself, jihoon."_

_"he'll wake up!" jihoon yelled. "i know he can... he has to."_

_"jihoon, the longer he stays like this, the less chance there is that he'll wake up. you know that right? cant you do this for him?"_

_"i told you to leave me alone, seungcheol." jihoon wiggled out of seungcheol's grip. "go home. just leave the papers and go away. i don't want you here. i’m the reason he’s here so i won’t leave until i know he’s okay.”_

_"fine." he sighed. "i'm just trying to help you because i care about you. you're going to get kicked out of university at this point. is that really what you want?"_

_"i need to stay here." jihoon teared up. "i can't leave him. they can kick me out all they want, i won't leave his side. i promised him."_

_"at least go home and eat, have a proper nights sleep." seungcheol placed the papers beside him before leaving, having hope that his friend would do himself a favour and try in his studies._

_jihoon just sighed, discarding the papers in the bin beside him and going back to laying his head on the bed, holding onto soonyoung's hand, rubbing the skin lightly, although soonyoung was cold. he'd stay there until the end of time if he had to._

—

when jihoon got home that evening after jeonghan and him had called it a day, he saw soonyoung sat on the sofa. he sighed as the heat instantly warmed him up.

"i'm sorry i took so long." jihoon muttered as he sat beside the other on the sofa. "i went to the cafe with jeonghan. i didn't meant to upset you."

"no it's okay." soonyoung yawned. "i needed some space anyway. i um... made you a cake." he motioned to the dish in front of him that was covered. jihoon smiled and lifted the top, although he felt guilty for leaving for so long considering the older had time to bake.

"a heart?" jihoon raised an eyebrow. "that's sweet, soonyoung." soonyoung looked away, a smile playing on his features. "this is amazing." jihoon muttered around a mouthful of the cake that soonyoung had helpfully already cut.

"i wanted to show you that i wasn't angry at you." soonyoung smiled, taking a slice himself.

"i'm sorry." jihoon whined. "am i being too much with you?" soonyoung chuckled, tiredly glancing at jihoon beside him, shaking his head. "i just thought that... if i tried to help..."

"hey, come here." soonyoung placed down the slice of cake, rubbing his hands before holding out his arms and jihoon crawled into them. he smiled, sighing in soonyoung's natural scent, basking in his warmth. "you're doing really well, jihoon."

"i should be the one telling you that." soonyoung just held onto him.

"just let me look after you too, ji." soonyoung sighed out. "seungcheol told me you'd hardly leave the hospital. you deserve to rest as well."

"i couldn't be apart from you, not even for a minute." soonyoung smiled lightly although his heart cracked just that little more. "i thought that if i left, it would be the last time i'd ever see you. i'd never forgive myself if that happened."

"you don't have to be afraid anymore." soonyoung whispered, kissing the top of his head. "...and i know you care about me, i'm just getting used it."

jihoon smiled, looking up and soonyoung looked down at him. the sparkle in his eye gave jihoon hope that soonyoung would fully come back to him. he had hope that one day there would be something there for them.

soonyoung slowly leaned forward, eyes flicking down to his lips and jihoon could feel himself starting to close his eyes.

"soonyoung." jihoon pushed a hand on the others chest as he got too close, breath hitching. "i don't think we should."

"no, you're right." soonyoung laughed, but there was pain laced in it as he leaned away. "i'm sorry."

jihoon just smiled and changed their position so soonyoung's head was resting on his shoulder. he lightly played with his hair until the soft snores of the other was one of the only sounds in the room, besides jihoon's humming.

he grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around a sleeping soonyoung, making sure he was snuggled tight underneath. he left a kiss on his cheek before leaving him to sleep. 

he went up to his room and to put it shortly, he cried. he wanted to help soonyoung as much as he could but he felt he was slowly losing him. but he knew soonyoung was trying so hard, he just had to try and help him.

the hard thing about it was that jihoon didn't know what a state of 'normal' looked like. how would he know that soonyoung was back? he guessed he'd just have to trust the other, let him do what he needed to remember that this was home.

jihoon was his home, if he wanted him to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi!! 🥺 here’s another chapter, i hope it was okay!! i’m still really trying to figure out how this is going to go but i have a rough idea haha!! whatever happens i hope it’s at least an enjoyable read!! 
> 
> i don’t have too much to talk about, except the in-complete pcs omg!! they’re looking amazing!! i definitely want at least one ot13 set for them!! in-complete was so fun as well!! it was technically my first svt concert but omg it was amazing!! ;-; 
> 
> oh one thing!! i’ve been trying to come up with a nickname for myself to use so you no longer have to call me author haha!! i don’t really like my name tbh so i was thinking of using ley (said as lee, which i think you would probably already read it right), which isn’t my real name and i don’t really like my first name, and my name can’t be shortened but i can shorten my middle name, which gives us ley!! 
> 
> anyways!! until the next chapter!! stay safe and have a lovely week!! 🥺💞


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